In My Mary Phase—Understanding the Most Important Things in Life
- clairenicea
- Nov 17, 2024
- 12 min read
Intro: Jeong Yag-yong
Before arriving here, my grandmother, a former Korean language and literature teacher, avid reader, and history buff, told me that a famous scholar named Dasan Jeong Yag-yong was exiled here to Gangjin in Jeollanam-do, South Korea's southwestern province. Over the course of 18 years, he wrote 500 books. That's about one book every two weeks. I assumed it was a gross exaggeration. But spending the past month here in the peaceful mountains on the southern coast of Korea overlooking an inlet to the East China Sea, my mind and body are so emptied of the stresses of civilization that I daily find myself caught up in yet another philosophical musing or theological reflection.
The stars
You can see the stars at night here so clearly. Already, I have been able to identify a new constellation: Cassiopeia. I could already identify The Big Dipper and Orion's Belt, so that brings my identifiable constellation count to a whopping three. That's a 50% increase!
I've always loved stargazing, but it's really difficult to see stars in the Twin Cities with all the light pollution. I enjoyed stargazing during trips to South Dakota and Hawai'i, and now, I get to stargaze every night here at Neutbom. The stars never stop being beautiful. Therefore, they never fail to make me happy. I feel like now wherever I go, I have only to look up to find peace and comfort in the fact that the universe is more vast than I can ever imagine and that I am just a spec of dust here on Earth. I am overcome with relief that even with all of the problems humans have caused and our ability to travel to the moon and launch countless satellites into the atmosphere that are disrupting my peaceful stargazing experience, our madness will never be able to infect the whole universe—not even the whole galaxy. Phew...what a relief. We also recently visited the Naro space center in Goheung where we learned about blackholes. I was reminded of God's limitless ability to create and destroy over and over and over again, as beautiful and special as each iteration of creation may be, remembering that it is not God who is preoccupied with preservation—it is us. Looking again at the heavens, I remember that the light of the stars I'm seeing has traveled years and years to reach my section of the galaxy—far longer than the maximum span of my life. Whatever seemed so urgent fades into the larger perspective, taking away the edge, the stress, and anxiety. And I am grateful for my smallness.
The morning fog
Wow, I mean, just wow. The morning after my first night at Neutbom, I stepped outside of the dormitory and the campus was filled with fog, the sun shining bright over the horizon. I didn't have my phone on me to take a picture then, but I figured I would be able to capture the fog on another morning. I have yet to experience a morning like that again. This past week, there was fog one morning and I took some pictures, but the lighting wasn't the same. It was still beautiful, but it wasn't the same breathtaking scene as that first morning. That morning was magical. There were stars in my eyes. I was in awe. Mesmerized. Enchanted. I think breathtaking is the most accurate word, as I audibly gasped when I stepped outside. While I don't believe God is a magic genie or heavenly Santa Claus, I do feel as though there is something magical about God beyond just being mysterious—delightfully mysterious, perhaps? Enigmatically enchanting? Marvelous in that one truly marvels at God's creation? Wondrous in that you wonder how God could make up something so beautiful? These lyrics used to seem so abstract:
Indescribable, uncontainable
You placed the stars in the sky
And You know them by name
You are amazing, God
All powerful, untameable
Awestruck, we fall to our knees
As we humbly proclaim
You are amazing, God*
But now they couldn't be more fitting. So indescribable is God's beauty that Chris Tomlin ends up going with "amazing" as his final descriptor—a word so often used it comes off as generic, unoriginal, and quite frankly, insufficient. But I guess that's the point. Because the word I've landed on is similar: wow.
God, you are—wow, just wow.
Beauty
God's creation is absolutely stunning. And I have the ability to appreciate His beauty. What a gift! I don't know if other creatures also have this ability, but I'm grateful that we as humans do. As I've been discerning God's call in my life, I've been reflecting on the point of life. So I thought back to the creation story in the Bible. God originally put Adam and Eve in the garden and tasked them with getting to know all the other animals by name. Their job was to develop a relationship with the rest of creation. Even though they were subsequently cast out of the garden for disobeying God, I still believe that God's original purpose for us was to enjoy the garden. My conclusions can be summed up like this:
The point of life is to enjoy God's beauty manifest in all creation.
The point of peace, justice, and love is to create a beautiful life.
The secret to being beautiful is love.
When you can see the beauty in another being, you cannot help but love them.
Life's challenge is finding beauty in all of creation, including your neighbors and supposed enemies. Once you do, you are able to see as God sees—with the love and affection of a parent.
The ground
Today is Wednesday, November 6th. Trump has just be re-elected president of the United States, my home country.
When he was first elected eight years ago, I was seventeen and absolutely devastated. Trump's victory shattered my worldview. Growing up, I thought the worst evil was behind us and that we had advanced as a society to overcome racism, sexism, injustice, and ignorance. I was outraged, disappointed, and scared. For the four years that followed, I felt like I was holding my breath the whole time. The political climate greatly affected my mental health. I felt very little hope for the future.
Now, eight years older, I don't feel angry. I don't feel crushed. I don't feel numb or powerless. Disappointed? Yes, a little. But surprised? No. A few years ago, during seminary, I began to cultivate my faith. I'd always gone to church growing up, but perhaps precisely because I had such a strong faith community and because my parents were faith leaders, I could lean on them for my faith instead of developing my own. My faith is still growing, but I believe that I now have a solid, unshakeable foundation. I have a better understanding of what is within my control and what is in God's hands. What's most comforting is knowing that everything is ultimately in God's hands, regardless of whether I serve Him or not.
Still, I needed some peace and comfort, so I went over to the Neutbom and Bomgil Memorial Garden where Rev. Moon Ik-hwan and his wife's statues reside. The artist did an incredible job because I could feel the warmth, love, and peace emanating from them even though they were made out of metal. I sat down on the bench beside Bomgil Samonim (his wife) and held her hand.
Looking down from the bench, I stared at the grass below. I thought about how that would be me one day: earth. I perceived again how short our lives are. What do I want to do before I die? I asked myself. I felt a little guilty asking this question as I stood up and faced Rev. Moon, the great Korean activist of the late 20th century. Shouldn't I be asking what I can do to have the greatest positive impact on the world? But Rev. Moon just smiled knowingly at me. I felt God's unconditional love in his gaze. He seemed to say, "You already know God loves you even if you don't do a damn thing."
Wow, again.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know this: love was, love is, and love will be, forever and always.
Art
I just picked up Crime and Punishment by one of my favorite authors Fyodor Dostoevsky and was reflecting on why I like particular authors, directors, and artists so much—I simply like the way they see the world:
Why do we pay artists?
We pay them to show us how they see the world.
We pay them to reveal to us new beauty or new truth. The most compelling art reveals both.
Religion is also a form of art. It is the art of living life: how to relate to oneself, one's neighbors, nature, and the divine. I love Christianity because of its emphasis on love—the most beautiful act in the universe. And as I learn about other religions here, such as Buddhism and Won Buddhism, I appreciate just how many diverse expressions of love there are in the world.
Views from the Buddhist temple
Hananim
I was asking a fellow teacher whether they were a person faith, and they responded, "I believe that there is a mystery in all living things and that that mystery is divine. The divine mystery that we all share, that makes us one, is what I consider to be Hananim.* I was also talking to a pastor recently, and she shared that these days she's been focusing on God being within her as her deepest identity. She has been working on uncovering the God that dwells within—her truest self. I really like the idea that God is within us—all of us. My idea of God has largely been one of "other" or "apart"—someone you seek or find. But to focus on the fact that God is already with us, in us, and is us gives another feeling entirely. It make me feel warm, full, peaceful, and content. Jesus must have been able to manifest this truth all the time, embodying his truest identity as God/God's son. He was both God and had a relationship with God. Perhaps, through cultivating a relationship with his heavenly father, he developed the ability to understand God's perspective, heart, and spirit so fully it enabled him to embody God's love perfectly, in turn revealing his true identity as God Himself. May I also come to embody my identity as God's daughter/creation, loving my neighbors human and otherwise, with the same heart as God.
*Hananim is the Korean term for "God." The hana in Hananim has multiple origins: Hana can mean hana, meaning "one" or haneul, meaning "sky/heavens," and -nim is the honorific ending for a name.
In my Mary phase
"Now as they went on their way, he entered a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him. She had a sister named Mary, who sat at Jesus’s feet and listened to what he was saying. But Martha was distracted by her many tasks, so she came to him and asked, 'Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her, then, to help me.' But the Lord answered her, 'Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things, but few things are needed—indeed only one. Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her.'" —Luke 10:38-42
As an older sibling, a woman, and a pastor's kid, I have played the part of Martha for a long time. From a young age, I developed a tendency towards over-responsibility and an attitude of blaming others for not doing their share of the work. This led to the build-up of a lot of resentment and a feeling of stuckness. The feeling of being stuck came from my assumption that, if I don't do it, it won't get done, or, if I don't do it, I have to take the blame. But I've learned that, if I don't do it, yes, it might not get done, or, it might get done slower or in a different way than I would do it. And that any of those outcomes are okay because 1) I cannot do everything and 2) because ultimately, ultimately, ultimately, God is responsible for everything. This doesn't mean shirking all my responsibilities. It just means acknowledging my limited capacity and therefore responsibility as a human and acknowledging God's infinite capacity and total responsibility as our creator.
Related to this, I've spent a lot of my life trying to help (at best, control at worst) people, but I've finally realized and accepted, that not everyone wants or needs (my) help. (Can you tell that I'm an Enneagram 2?) It's something I used to take personally, but now I interpret it as an opportunity to spend my energy elsewhere. Maybe it's because my "help" isn't actually helpful to them, and that's okay. I've also had to learn how to be okay with seeing people learn from their own mistakes, even if I have given them advice that might help them avoid them, and accept that there's nothing wrong with that and that it's not my fault. One way I've learned this is from making a lot of mistakes myself, choosing not to follow advice (that I asked for!), and still receiving grace and compassion afterwards. I know and trust now that at the end of the day, we are all in God's hands. Plus, after reading the Bible, it's clear that even when God tries God's best to advise His people against making poor choices, they don't even listen to Him. But He still loves and works with them anyway, even if He has to be persuaded sometimes.
These past few years have been about learning how to embody the serenity prayer, particularly the serenity and wisdom parts.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
This has enabled me to be a lot more present and a lot less anxious. What is the point of fretting over the future when I cannot even enjoy the present moment that God has given to me? Why am I waiting until tomorrow to fully enjoy what God has already blessed me with? I feel like I've finally been able to live into the Matthew 6:25-34 "Do Not Worry" passage and have been singing the following refrain:
This is the day that the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it!
—Psalm 118:24
So grateful to finally be in my Mary phase 😌
25
I turned twenty-five this year, the age at which your brain is supposed to have fully developed, making you capable of more rational decision-making.
Based on my experience... I think it's true! Throughout my early twenties, I still felt like a child posing as adult, but now I feel like I'm actually an adult. And let me tell you, being an adult is great! A huge part of feeling like an adult has been being able to handle complexity, nuance, and gray areas. This has enabled me to make important distinctions when I consider the actions and behavior of both others and of myself. Here are a few examples:
Preventing conflict is different from avoiding it.
Finding joy in daily life does not mean that you're ignoring the suffering of others.
Having a spirit of gratitude does not mean repressing pain, anger, or sorrow.
Patience is different from complacency.
Beauty is different from vanity.
Accepting reality does not mean one agrees with it, nor is it the same as giving up.
Recognizing one's limits is not the same as subscribing to nihilism.
Being present does not mean being reckless (aka YOLO attitude).
One can reflect on the past without wallowing in it.
Charting a path from our current reality to a brighter future is different from escapism.
Having a time-abundant attitude is different from habitually procrastinating.
It doesn't have to be me or you—we can move forward together.
True hope is different from wishful thinking.
Restfulness is different from lethargy.
Just because no one person can change everything doesn't mean that we all can't change something.
Giving your all in spite of the odds is not foolish or wasteful—it's a way of life.
The value of one's effort cannot be determined by the outcome. The process is more important than the result.
Just because you are open to new perspectives doesn't mean you aren't deeply convicted. In fact, I've found that the more solid my beliefs become the more open I am to different ideas.
Being able to make such distinctions has given me a lot more peace and made me a less sharp and intense person. This has, in turn, improved my relationships, making me happier. I could not be more grateful for this 🙏
In the past, I used to do things because I felt like I should. That left me with a lot of resentment. So then I tried doing things because I wanted to. Doing this for a while, I realized that I could shape my desires. These days, I do things because I can, out of gratitude that I have the ability to do so. Having gratitude makes me want to do it. This has given me the greatest sense of fulfillment.
Here are a few more examples of what being twenty-five has been like for me:
Being able to lead my emotions instead of my emotions leading me. (still working one this)
Being able to acknowledge my emotions without acting on them.
Not having to express every feeling and every thought to someone else. Knowing that having God as my witness can be enough.
Emanating peace outwards instead of letting the stress of the situation or environment enter me. (still working on this one, too)
Being able to choose whether or not to fall in love with someone! This was a big one 😂
Until next time! 😄
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