Meeting God as I am

Sunset in Gangjin

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. —NRSVUE

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. —NLT

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. —The Message

My prayer life has been different these days. I've never been one for QT (quiet time), but I've been praying and reading the Bible consistently for the past month. This is because the way that I pray has changed completely. In the past, my prayers boiled down to 1) "God, please help me be a better person" and 2) "God, please give me this." QT was like one more item on my agenda (10:00am Piety), one more task on my checklist (Take shower, pray, eat breakfast). But not anymore.

With the first prayer, I was often praying the prayer I felt I should be praying instead of meeting God as I was. A few weeks ago, I woke up in my room in Seoul and for the first time in a long time, I didn't want to get out of bed. I just had no will, no desire, no energy. So I decided to just tell God how I felt. "힘들어 (It's hard. I'm weary.) I don't want to get up. Help me get up." And in simply acknowledging my weariness before God, I gained the will to get up. I've been praying ever since. I didn't know "힘들어" could be a prayer, but ever since I realized it could, I look forward to prayer time.

"When we grow weary, God does His work." —Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

I am more honest, open, and vulnerable with God than I've ever been before. I feel closer to God because I've been letting God get close to me. Instead of asking God to help me at Point C when I'm actually at Point A, I've been asking God to meet me at Point A. Instead of asking God to help me finish the race, I've been asking God to help me start it. Instead of starting with "Help me to be a better friend to so-and-so," I pray more honestly, "Help me to want to be a better friend to so-and-so." Instead of "Help me to love my enemies," I pray, "Help me to want to love my enemies." Actually, that wasn't far enough, so I changed my prayer to "God, help me to have faith that loving my enemies is even possible." And even though I'm still at point A in many areas of my life, I can feel God listening and encouraging me every time I pray. Thank you, Lord, for your faithfulness.

"He wants you as you are; He does not want anything from you, a sacrifice, a work; He wants you alone."

With the second prayer ("God, please give me this"), I was praying for things to come to me or happen to me. I made myself the center of the prayer. But these days, I've been disciplining my prayers by aligning my heart, my desires, with the Lord's prayer. German theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer says, "In all our prayers there remains only the prayer of Jesus Christ. This alone has the promise of fulfillment and freedom from the vain repetitions of the heathen." So when I prayer the Lord's prayer, I pray it slowly and intentionally, focusing on each phrase to really make it my prayer instead of a "ritual that evades real prayer." New phrases stick out to me: "Our Father" not "My Father," "Thy will" not "My will," "give us this day our daily bread"—and nothing more! And I find so much peace and comfort in the fact that this brief, simple prayer is sufficient. I am humbled, reminded that I need no more than, and deserve no less than, this. I am relieved that I need not determine my will or plans but can confidently follow God's one day at a time.

"A day at a time is long enough to sustain one's faith, the next day will have its own cares."

Centered in the Lord's prayer, I add to it more specific petitions, praises, and words of gratitude, maintaining that humble posture. Instead of demanding that God come to me, I have come to God, submitting myself to His will, acknowledging Him as Lord. I've been making it a habit to pray first thing in the morning before I check my phone and at night before I go to bed. "At the beginning of the day let all distraction and empty talk be silenced and let the first thought and the first word belong to him to whom our whole life belongs."

"We are silent at the beginning of the day because God should have the first word, and we are silent before going to sleep because the last word also belongs to God."

Remembering daily that God is Lord of all is absolutely necessary for my mental health these days when many of our leaders act as if they are kings and gods with the power and authority to do as they please. Prayer snaps me back to God's holy reality and breaks me free from fear and anxiety in the face human power. But to be clear, this is not a denial of the crises of our day and age—it is simply taking a moment to regain perspective: remembering the brevity and insignificance of human life measured against God's vast and infinite universe. When I pray like this, I truly feel God's peace, which can neither be explained nor understood, enter me, displacing my worldly fears.

I've always loved Philippians 4:6-7 but could never figure out how to practice it consistently. I feel as though I finally understand now and am so grateful to God for these revelations about prayer. I am also grateful for the book club on Bonhoeffer's Life Together that I've been participating in with Jubilee Multicultural Church this winter. Reading Bonhoeffer has been challenging, clarifying, and compelling—in short, an excellent guide and companion in my faith life. The quotes above are all from him. Thank you for reading. Please keep me in your prayers as I keep you in mine. 🙏

P.S. A post recapping my winter break in Seoul is coming soon! I am back at Neutbom school now as the spring semester has begun, but unfortunately bumped my head again recently which has delayed my computer work. Stay tuned!